At the start of the summer, 3 months ago, I had set up a personal weight-loss goal: lose 20 lbs through the combination of exercise and healthy eating.
20 lbs less would bring me to a healthy weight for my height and age. I did not want to be involved with any fad diets: no eliminating all gluten, or all-carb or all-fat, or all saturated fat. No South Beach diet or Mediterranean diet: nothing that I can crash and burn from. My goal was to make good food choices and exercise portion control.
It is safe to say that I have failed – utterly and miserably.
The Fall semester starts next Tuesday, after the Labour Day long weekend and my weight has not budged. That’s not quite true. In the net, final score, my weight has actually gone up a pound and a half. It’s not that I tried to lose weight and failed. Each week, I lost some weight. My plan was working. I got cocky and became lax. And each weekend, I gained it all back. Or, I would eat more than I should have for lunch, thinking I will eat less for dinner and that it would all even out…but then, Keith would ask if I’d like to go to the local pub and I’d gorge down a burger and sweet potato fries.
Often, a cheat meal turned into an entire cheat day. A cheat-Friday turned into a cheat-weekend. And come Monday, all the weight I’d lost was back and then a little bit more. I don’t even want to think what would have happened if I hadn’t also been working out at my expensive small-group, women’s-only, gym that comes with a trainer.
I eat good food. I don’t drink soda. We don’t buy any (or barely any) processed food. I cook most of our meals. I have nobody to blame but myself. I have no self-control. I lie to myself about how much I am eating. And it is making me unhappy. I see-saw between feeling great (after a few good days and a couple pounds lost) and terrible (as soon as I am done eating two big scoops of cookie dough – on top of a dinner where I went back for a second helping of the chicken cury and rice).
I am carrying extra weight on my knees that my knees could do without. I have two pairs of jeans that I no longer fit into.
I am disappointed in myself.
Yes, let me say that again: I. Am. Disappointed. In. Myself. And this makes me very, very unhappy.
So, I have decided to go public with my weight-loss regimen. I will start logging my food online on this blog for the world to see. I will add notes – what I felt; when I resisted something I knew would make me unhappy later, when I caved and gorged myself with food even though I wasn’t really hungry. I will add a little bit of the inner dialogue as it takes me one way or the other. This is the type of accountability I think will help me.
I debated whether a food journal belonged on this blog, or whether it would be better suited to my cooking blog; in the end, I think my food choices affect my happiness directly and in both, in the here and now, and long term. So it’s going here.