Gone with the Wind…My Story

It was wicked windy and cold in Boston last night. 30 kph (19mph) winds and -19C (-2F). I As I pottered along to the T (subway) station after my workout I was aware only of the wind and of the intensifying growls of hunger coming from the depths of my stomach. Unconsciously I rubbed the last $20 bill from my Christmas present money in my pocket between my fingers. I could buy myself a snack — a dinner even — and break my budget without it showing up in my weekly budgeting: a technical loophole. It defeated my goal of applying self-discipline and curbing my spending habits, however. I knew I was cheating.

I was still thirty feel away when I heard the train before I saw it. I had to make it to make the 7:10 PM bus home from Riverside so I started to run…or waddle really because I looked like a massive, unweildy purple marshmallow in my heavy winter hiking jacket and my backpack stuffed with my now dirty gym clothes and running shoes and laptop. I was still ten feet away when the train arrived and doors opened. People were packed into it like sardines in a tin, and somehow, more people piled in. I would make it but I had not a second extra to spare. I waddled faster and started pulling out my train pass from my jacket pocket at the same time.

The $20 bill had been swaddling my T-pass. As I yanked it out, the money came out with it. It happened in an instant but I felt I watched it in slow motion: the howling wind swept the $20 bill in a rising spiral over my head. The seventh US president, Andrew Jackson, the face on $20 dollar bills, and I locked eyes for a second. Even as I flung my hand forward — fingers outstretched — to grab it, it flew away from me along the station. There was a momentary break in the wind and I I watched it fall and come to rest next to a red minivan parked outside the station twenty feet away. I dashed towards it as fast as I could. It was pointless, however. In another split second, a new gush of wind lifted the bill back up and off it was gone…hurled into the darkness of the night.

I remained transfixed by my bad luck. I was cheating my budget but fate cheated me instead. I don’t know how long I stood there. It could have been a minute, five minutes or even ten. I was brought back by a loud angry rumble from deep inside me. The train was gone and I was quite alone on the platform as I waited for the next one, disconsolate and unhappy.

Now there is no buffer of secret money left. Now it’s just me vs temptation and/or hunger.

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Gone with the Wind…My Story

Off to a Bad Start

I’ve got a zit — an actual pimple! — on my chin. And, it gets worse: there’s another one growing right next to it. It’s like my chin is sprouting its very own Twin Towers. Argh! Getting pimples at my age — or any age past college — is so embarrassing. I’m seriously considering putting a Band Aid over them, right beneath my lips, tomorrow morning so nobody sees them. A Band Aid across my face has to be less embarrassing than the Zit Twin Towers. Right?

I’m probably getting zits because I cannot remember when I ate a vegetable since our dinner out on December 30. I seem to recall eating 3 bananas (in 3 days, mind you), but not a single vegetable or anything that contains any vitamins. Beige and Brown. That’s all I’ve eaten since the morning of December 31. Not a good start indeed.  Continue reading “Off to a Bad Start”

Off to a Bad Start

Reflecting back on 2014

I’ve been away from this blog for a while — that was a mistake, one I will work hard to avoid in 2015.

Because a realization came crashing down on me yesterday: it’s that I am turning into a miserable, grumbling curmudgeon with a steady stream of negativity running through my head at all waking hours quite like a 24-hour news channel covering US politics.

Negativity about what you may ask?

About absolutely everyone and everything that is not just right: in-laws reminding me to get situated behind a white picket fenced house and pop out some babies; about Keith being afraid to ditch it all and move across the world to start a new and exciting life somewhere far away from the all-consuming American Dream (AD). About sucky Sonya, who really does suck, but that has been established by all that work with, and around, her already so why harp on the point.

I’ve been walking around with my very own, custom-built-for-me hell in my own head.

Is that why my blood pressure is through the roof again? Is that why I still have not lost the 20 lbs I set out to lose at the start of last summer?

Today, after many months, I listened to an episode of the Vedanta podcasts again after many months. A sentence from it spoke to me…as if it was spoken just to me:

The world we see is a reflection of our own minds

How apt! And how true. The people we meet in the world are as ugly or as beautiful as people as we see them. The world has felt so awful to me of late — where I thought everyone was out to stop me from living the life I want to live. But the world has not gotten any worse than it was, really; the lens through which my mind processes the world has vile slime smeared all over it. I’ve been poisoning it with my own thoughts.

No more!

Thankfully, it’s my favourite time of the year: time to decide what goes into the software for Swati version (n+1). It’s time to make some RESOLUTIONS!

My next post will have my resolutions for 2015. The key will be to make small changes to my life each day that add up over time…like money in a retirement account. That’s so the goals are not so lofty that they seem unattainable and I feel that it would be useless to even try.

 

 

Reflecting back on 2014